The Love Only Imaginable
I am a hopeless romantic. I sometimes laugh at my self because I fall for girls way to good for me. I to be honest I blame movies and books. I believe in the type of love that is found between, Paige & Leo, Hazel & Augustus, Alaska & Miles and the list goes on.
I believe that I have a chance with the girls way to good for me or the already taken girls and for some reason think that it will work out. In every case so far it hasn’t. I am the kid that has had multiple failed relationships.
I am 18, I have had 6 “relationships” if you can even call them that. The longest lasted 3 months shortest 3 days. I guess I try to hard to make that imaginable Hollywood love happen.
I guess I haven’t found that spark yet. That one feeling that will keep you fighting for what ever it is that is present. The spark that makes everyone who walks past stop and say to themselves “I want that.”
Is that too much to ask for? Am I thinking to much? Honestly I am useless with this stuff. I fall for the love I think I deserve and that leads me to a crappy place. It has lead me to most of the failed relationships as well as three sexual partners.
I regret having sex. I wish I waited and now I don’t think as much of it as I did. I appreciate the power the act has now and the connection two people have after they do it.
But in all honesty I am the guy that wastes all his money on a girl. Takes her out one random dates, buys her random gifts or flowers. I know what to say at the right time. I am the one who would write letters like Augusts writes to Peter about Hazel’s eulogy.
I try to be cute which I know sometimes works against me but I fight with my self to find this spark to find me the girl I want to marry and live with for the rest of my life.
The thing that sucks is that I have gotten used to the feeling of heart break and rejection, so it doesn’t really phase me any more. Well it didn’t until recently. I finally felt something after 3 years of break ups and rejections, the pain came back for this one girls and I don’t know why.
You know the feeling you read about in books or sometimes see in movies when the guy or girl gets or stupid and giddy and can’t control it. This is the feeling I love. When you look at someone and just have this hmmm feeling. It is so hard to explain but every time you look at that person it is always there.
That feeling it what I search for. I want that feeling that when you wake up next to that person in the morning everything will be okay because you have seen them. That warmth of knowing someone loves you as much as you love them. That option during winter to cuddle up next to someone and keep each other warm. Or curl up on the lounge in each others arms and watch chick flicks (The Vow, TFIOS ect.) that is what I like to do.
Those little things make me happy, just to do little things like cooking dinner, buying flowers randomly what ever it takes to see the love and surprise in a girls eyes. Just to do the subtle things to prove how much to love them. To let them know you would travel where ever is needed to fight for that person and to let them know that it is a once in a life time love.
I want to stand that the alter one day and have my dream girl walk down the isle. And to be honest with you I will most likely cry. To stand there hold her hand, look into her eyes, say our vows then I Do, and then to know the meaning of I Love You isn’t said just because, but it is said because the genuinely do love you.
I want a weird thing like “always” or “okay” just so if they want to say it secretly there it that option to say I Love You and have it means the exact same with out saying the three words.
I want to much, I have thought to much about all this and that is why I am single. Because I know what I want and I haven’t learnt that you can’t change someone to what you want them to be.
Lastly I want a love that will kill me to lose it. I want a love that no matter what happens that I will fight to the death to not lose that person. But I also want a strong enough relationship that even with the ups and downs that come with a relationship it is strong enough to hold on to it forever.
This is pretty much the love found in movies or books but I believe there is a Hazel, Alaska or Paige out there for me and that we will form our own duo. The only question is who? Josh & ??